and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
