Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
