Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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