Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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