Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize