Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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