Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
