Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
