i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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