stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
