this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
