I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
