I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
