I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
