when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Holy shit dude........stairs
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
