Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
