I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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