So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
