I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
