I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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