i just had sex bonerless
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
