dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
No subtext here. People are naked.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
