i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
