No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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