I'm gonna have a badass scar
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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