Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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