This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
