just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
