I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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