she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
