between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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