I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
