ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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