Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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