My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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