I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
