That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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