forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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