Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
All the doctor said was why
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
