I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize