Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
