that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
