Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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