The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
