I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
