I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
