I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
