you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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