I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
