I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
