Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize