So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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