all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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