I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
