His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
